What's new?

So it has been even longer this time than the time between my last 2 posts. I really am not good at this whole blogging thing. I don't update regularly, at all. I saw that my last post I had mentioned that I was battling some high blood pressure. Well, the blood pressure won and I have been on bedrest since the last week of July. At this point, I am 32 weeks and 4 days today and have about 6 1/2 weeks to go. It has been rough - who ever gets bed rest with 3 kids. But we are making it. Baby is healthy and that is all that matters. We did determine that it is a little girl and we will name her Emily Denise - the family name that we spoke of in my last post. We are awaiting a call from the surgery desk to schedule her arrival, and hope to know more shortly.

Everyone else is doing well and though this was short, I hope to post more later tonight - time to get my oldest off the school bus from kindergarten.

Been a while

So, it's been a while since I have posted. Lots has happened since February. Lets recap the big things. Andy's test results came back fine and he has a clear bill of health, with the exception of IBS, which we are managing to control a bit right now. We took our trip to England and had a wonderful time visiting with family and dropping they news that we were expecting. We are now 18 weeks along and doing well. The morning sickness has subsided, for the most part, I am still fatigued and fighting high blood pressure, but so far we are out of the woods. Baby's heart rate is good, of course I continue to lose weight. Which again doesn't pose a problem at this stage and is pretty common for me. Our next big day is June 15th when we have our next ultrasound and will discover whether we are expecting a baby boy, or a baby girl. Either will make us very happy. We have also determined that this will be our final biological child though if God wishes for us to raise more children, we are certainly open to adoption and would be more than happy if that is the course laid out before us. The new baby's name will also begin with an E - we have a girls name, a family name that fits, but we are stuck on boys names. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

So, Today I got some very exciting news. I went into my OBGYN for a follow up for some cysts that I have been following. It has decreased in size that was was very good news. After a blood draw, and about a 2 hour wait, they called to confirm what I already knew. I am now officially expecting baby #4! I am so excited, and so scared at the same time. You know, the new Mom scared, where you wonder if the baby is going to be okay. That is all I want - a healthy baby! We will be telling my family this weekend and waiting until we go to England in April to tell my husband's family in person. They tested my HCG level today it was 55.8% and they will retest it in 48 hours and than once I reach 2000 iu/l we will have an ultrasound. That way we will have a picture to show to everyone in England. We hesitate to tell anyone in case something goes wrong, but we have no reason to believe it will. I guess no-one thinks that they will until they do, and than that all changes. I pray that we won't have that to deal with.

We await my Andy's testing next week to figure out what is going on with his stomach and I pray that all remains well. God is Good and truly knows the desires of our hearts. Amen!

Been a while.......

So it has been a while since I have last posted. There has been a lot going on and time just got away from me. We had 2 of our babies turn 5 within the last few weeks, so that was exciting - in case that looks weird - my stepson and my daughter are the same age - exactly 1 week apart, so they both turned 5 recently. My mother had to have a cardiac procedure done yesterday, but thank God, it was nothing. The latest is that my husband is having some issues that we are tackling head on, and though it is scary, and I will share more later, and only what he allows me to, I am confident God will bring us through this as well.

We made a decision a few weeks ago that we are going to bite the bullet (even though we really can't afford to) and take a trip to England. My husband's grandmother is not well, and we need to get to see her. This brings up a few issues - we cannot afford to take all of the children, but we also have no-where to leave the baby for a 2 week trip. My mother works so she can not have her. My stepson will stay with his Mom, while my 2 from my first marriage stay between my parents (on weekends), his parents and his place. We have decided to take the baby, mainly because we have no-where to leave her and because we do not need to pay for a ticket for her - she is under 2 and will be on our laps for the 8 hour plane ride to England. A few days after we made up our minds that we were going, we got word from England that Nana had a heart attack and was in the hospital. It appears that she is going to pull through as she is doing much better, but is dealing with other things on top of it. She was also diagnosed with MRSA yesterday, I am asking for prayer that she heal and recouperate so that we can spend loads of time with her whilst we are over. So I am excited and terrified all at the same time. I have never flown this far, nor been away from my babies for this long, so please pray for me as well.

In other news, we have had more cutbacks at our work, and it is not going over well. I have not been effected directly, but lots of friends and associates have and that is a hard one for the team to take. Because the positions in our department have not been effected, there are a lot of forced smiles and a lot of tension, so please also pray for that situation. God be real to all of us!

Babies

So, I have been following a few blogs - www.jennasjourneyblog.blogspot.com go Brayden - I hope he will be coming home this week. He is now trying to eat a bottle, and he is awake and off all his meds - PRAISE GOD! I also follow www.kellyskornerblog.com - Little Harper is improving as well, they have reduced the amount of oxygen and she is doing so good. I pray that she will be off her oxygen completely by weeks end and in her mommy's arms. Once again - GO GOD! And last, but certainly not least, I follow www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com which is the one that brought me to the others and the one that inspired me to blog myself. I don't hope to be as "good" at blogging as Angie, or Kelly, or Jenna, but I pray that my blog relates to someone - makes one person feel connected to other's out there. These blogs of course tug at the heartstrings of most people, especially mommies, but they also display the glory of God. How else could a mother watch day after day, as her little one, that she carried, is poked, and prodded, and wake up every morning wondering if this will be your last one with them. And how else to you explain that a mother can only hold her child for a few hours before she reliquishes her to return home to her heavenly father. Those pains are unbearable, yet these women, and many others out there, are still living, and are still faithful. That gives me hope - hope that I too can love my God despite the "wrongs" in my life. That my faith can continue to grow even in the face of troubled times. That I can walk closer to my God and be closer with Him at the end of the day. So to these women, who give me hope and peace I say Thank you for sharing your lives. For opening up so much that others can yearn to have what you have with our Father. God Bless all of you!

Unavoidable Sadness

Not sure where I am headed with this today. I have been very emotional the last few days and I think a lot of it has to deal with the fact that I want so badly to be pregnant right now. We were trying for a little while, but than we decided to hold off for a bit due to all the issues with the economy and our personal financial situation. My husband has his head about him in this situation. I mean, I know that it is the best decision right now, to wait, but well to put it simply - I don't want to! I want to be pregnant now - have something to look forward to in the midst of all the stress and unhappiness surrounding everyone right now - but I also know that it would put more stress on both of us. I thought maybe I was pregnant, but I found an extra test under the sink (one from when we were trying) and I took it yesterday and it was negative, so I have been in a mood since. I haven't really told Andy (my husband) cause I know where he stands, and I agree, but it still doens't mean it's easy.

There are a lot of things in my life I need to be better at. I need to be a better Christian, a better mother, wife, lover, friend. I feel as though I have failed at lots of those roles lately. I need to help lead this family better, and quit being so "selfish" I guess is the word. I can't say no to anyone, and I have come to realize that that doesn't actually make me a better person. It some instances, it makes me irresponsible. I promise things I can't deliver, or I do things without thinking about what the consequence on the other side might be. I am terrible with money, and I don't know how to fix it. I know what the first step is, and that is doing what I have been putting off all week! So pray that I get what it is that I need to get done today, to start our new process (oh, and i should do some laudry as well, and get dinner ready). God Bless.

So I guess I am in a mood!

Today has not been the best day. I don't know what is wrong with me, but something is going on! I feel completely out of sorts - very anxious, very annoyed, very on edge. I am not sure why! Well, I guess I know a little about why, but I am trying to deal with that as I go, and I will fill you in on that when the time is right. I would just ask for prayer for our family and I am sure God will know what it is that our hearts desire. I will share with you when we get to know each other a little better!

I took our eldest daughter to dance class tonight and was sitting and watching whilst speaking with one of the other mothers. The conversation took the direction that I try to avoid but sometimes it just happens. I am going to walk you all through a little of my spiritual journey thus far. The home I was raised in was a good home, but we did not attend church regularly. My parents sent my brother and I to VBS when we were kids and on occasion, I would tag along with friends, but that was really my only exposure - except for my grandmother - MomMom. She was a wonderful woman who went to be the Lord on November 14 - 2000. She was a very faithful woman even though she didn't attend church - see she didn't drive. Her relationship to God was so profound and real to me because it was just that - HERS. She knew that God loved her no matter whether she attended church or not, and even though she didn't, her faith and her relationship with the Almighty is one of the strongest I have seen to date. She never waivered - read her Bible everyday, and shared with whoever would listen - in a kind caring way - not the pushy, hipocrytical way.

When I met my ex husband (whom I met while working at a nursing home when I was 16) those I worked with warned me that my "church life" would have to change if I ever hoped to be "accepted" by his family. I wanted that all my life - a church life. When I started dating him, I saw why - we were required by his parents to attend church on Wednesday evenings for Bible Study and two church services on Sunday - NO EXCEPTIONS! I loved it - most days! It was after meeting him and his family that I was really exposed to Christ - and became Saved (for the second time - I first accepted Christ as my saviour as a 12 year old). I redidicated myself at 18 and was Baptised on Easter Sunday that year. It was a really good time in my life. I married him 3 and a half years later. The day we got married, he stopped going to church. I wondered for a long time what happened to this "strong Christian man" that I had married, and than through the years, I came to realize that he wasn't a Christian at all!

Then in the time we were separated, my walk with Christ was at it's strongest. I found my own little church that I attended, just my daughter and me and I was happy there. We had separated after his 3rd affair. So I was a single Mom and the church I found was my family. I sat with the Pastor at one point because my husband and I had decided to reconcile, and I didn't know how I felt about it. I prayed and asked God to help me to trust him again, and the pastor reminded me that I needed to set some ground rules - but I didn't. 6 months later, I was in the same boat - pregnant with my second child and finding out again that he had strayed. I asked him to move out, he obliged and I had my son with my mother by my side and his father in the waiting room. I struggled for months about whether or not to file for divorce and had multiple meetings with my pastor, who of course couldn't advise that I file, but said to remember that I answer to an audience of One - the One. I prayed long and hard, and I made the decision to file for divorce. It was in the weeks that followed that I met my husband.

To try and make a long story short, I met my husband and we talked for weeks before we agreed to go on a date. We soon found great comfort in each other and within a few months, he moved into our home. He became Daddy for kids who didn't really spend much time with their biological father. We agreed fairly quickly that it was "right" - being older I guess we both knew more quickly that we did when we were 18 - and decided that we would marry. Than we found out we were expecting a baby. I know it's not the best way to do things, a little backward we both agreed, but we decided to move up the wedding date to be sure we were united before the baby arrived.

In hence lies my struggle. I love my God, but does not following what I know to be right make me a "bad christian". I know that the Bible says that I should not live with a man, or bear a child to a man whom I am not married too. I had my discussions with God about it, but I still question myself. I know God, and I have accepted Him as my saviour - am i now unfaithful because I have sinned. Is it made right now that we are married and are happy, and living the "right" way and I have repented. I guess I am my own worst enemy - I guess what I am saying is I wish I were a better Christian.

I know that is a heavy load for tonight, so I am gonna go ponder and pray a little. Have a meeting with my maker. I know he forgives me long before I forgive myself. I appreciate any thoughts anyone out there may have - and give it to me straight - I can handle it. God Bless all of you walk the life I wish I did. Thank you for praying.

New Day

So we took the kids outside to play in the snow this morning before nap time. Our eldest daughter loved it - our younger son - not so much. Everytime snow got anywhere near his face, he freaked - he just wanted to make snow angels and run around in it. We didn't have enough snow to really make a snow man, but it was more than we had at any other point this year, and well, they have been driving us nuts to take them out - so we did. The baby - HATED it! We pulled her around on the sled for a while and Daddy actually went down on the sled with her but she was not impressed. So this was our morning.

All after an absolutely terrible night. When I blogged last night, (because it was my first blog) I neglected to tell you the day that we had! It wasn't suppose to snow yesterday, but it did! Not a lot, just enough. I left work at 330 to go and pick up the baby from daycare and meet my husband at my parents house to drop off a computer, than meet my ex-husband to pick up the children before heading home. Well the conditions were less than favorable when I left work, so I skidded to a stop at the daycare, and radioed to my husband to please stop on his way, and pick both the baby and I before proceeding to my parents, as I was a little nervous about driving the 30 mins to their house. Well, it is a good thing I did. I called the ex-husband to tell him to drop the kids at my parents and I would be there shortly - than called my mother to tell her that he was coming to drop them off and we would be following closely behind - or so I thought. Our 30 min trip turned into a 3 hour trip. Roads were closed, hills were unclimbable - all the while the poor baby in the back seat. Around 6:00 we found a gas station and were able to get her some crackers and more juice and some other goodies to sustain her until we got to my parents house - another 45 mins later. We decided to spend the night there, but when the kids wouldn't settle, we caved in and drove the 40 mins home in the fog (fog and icy road conditions do NOT go well together). My husband, the trooper that he is, got us home no problem, but not without my shrieks and sighing. I love him to pieces, but i am terrified on icy roads, and I don't hide that fear well. At one point, I just closed my eyes and prayed, "Lord, get us home safely". And He did, I knew he would. So, I am at home today (one of my 2 days off a week) and my husband took off too!

We spent the morning with the kids and than came in and had hot chocolate and watched the inauguration with my 5 year old. She didn't really understand, but I tried to explain just how important a day this was in history. The other kids were sleeping, so we got to watch it in peace. It was pretty moving - I know not everyone agrees with the President - I guess I can say that now - but the overwhelming feeling you get looking at the crowd of people who never thought that they would see this day makes me proud. Proud that quite possible our nation has overcome one of the toughest obstacles we have ever faced. It is a new day for Americans, for the world, and as always, I am proud to have witnessed it, and to have the freedom worship my God - which in many countries, is a luxury. We have at least 4 years to see what President Obama can do and will do - so even if you don't agree - be on your knees, praying for our country, it's leaders, and it's people. God Bless.

My Inital Blog

So, I follow many of the bloggers on this site and it occurred to me this evening that this could be very therapeutic in many ways for me, and for others. I know that I enjoy reading others because I can relate, and feel as though I am not alone in my struggles - so here I am. I go by Epec on here, which you all will come to realize are the first 2 initials of my first 2 children. All of their names start with E's so it gets interesting. I am 29 years old, soon to be 30 - Ugh! - but seriously, I am okay with it! I have 4 children - 2 soon to be 5 year olds (no they are not technically twins - my stepson and daughter are 1 week apart in age) - a 3 year old, and the baby is 16 months. I would be pregnant again now, but with the current economic situation, we decided to wait until we are a little more prepared - notice - we are not waiting until the economic situation is better, just till our economic situation is a little better.

My loving husband is amazing. I met him at a pivotal time in my life while I was going through a divorce and raising 2 children - both under 2, on my own(More on that later). He came along, and he was what I needed at every stage of the game. Not too much, not too little, just exactly what I needed when I needed it. He has brought my 2 children up as his own and he is Daddy! My little girl says that she is lucky cause "she has 2 daddies". I will be sure to post some pictures of all of my babies soon.

Last, but certainly not least - I love our Lord! Through Him all things are possible. I have learned that, sometimes the hard way - having to fall to my knees before looking up to see Him, but none the less finding Him along my way. I guess I come here asking for prayer as well. For my family, and friends. I will talk more about this later, but if you could lift up my friend "Becca" in prayer - her husband is fighting a battle with cancer at the young age of 43. They have 2 year old son and it has been a long battle. Just when they thought it was over, they found another spot, and so I ask you tonight to be on your knees for this young family. They need all the prayers that they can get and I know that they themselves have been searching for the answer and I want them to see through prayer - that God has it waiting for them, they just need to receive it.

Anyway, thanks for reading and I look forward to your thoughts and comments. Also, please be praying for Angie (www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com and for little Brayden at www.jennasjourneyblog@blogspot.com and of course, little Harper at kellyscornerblog.com)

Good night - and God Bless