Unavoidable Sadness

Not sure where I am headed with this today. I have been very emotional the last few days and I think a lot of it has to deal with the fact that I want so badly to be pregnant right now. We were trying for a little while, but than we decided to hold off for a bit due to all the issues with the economy and our personal financial situation. My husband has his head about him in this situation. I mean, I know that it is the best decision right now, to wait, but well to put it simply - I don't want to! I want to be pregnant now - have something to look forward to in the midst of all the stress and unhappiness surrounding everyone right now - but I also know that it would put more stress on both of us. I thought maybe I was pregnant, but I found an extra test under the sink (one from when we were trying) and I took it yesterday and it was negative, so I have been in a mood since. I haven't really told Andy (my husband) cause I know where he stands, and I agree, but it still doens't mean it's easy.

There are a lot of things in my life I need to be better at. I need to be a better Christian, a better mother, wife, lover, friend. I feel as though I have failed at lots of those roles lately. I need to help lead this family better, and quit being so "selfish" I guess is the word. I can't say no to anyone, and I have come to realize that that doesn't actually make me a better person. It some instances, it makes me irresponsible. I promise things I can't deliver, or I do things without thinking about what the consequence on the other side might be. I am terrible with money, and I don't know how to fix it. I know what the first step is, and that is doing what I have been putting off all week! So pray that I get what it is that I need to get done today, to start our new process (oh, and i should do some laudry as well, and get dinner ready). God Bless.