Today has not been the best day. I don't know what is wrong with me, but something is going on! I feel completely out of sorts - very anxious, very annoyed, very on edge. I am not sure why! Well, I guess I know a little about why, but I am trying to deal with that as I go, and I will fill you in on that when the time is right. I would just ask for prayer for our family and I am sure God will know what it is that our hearts desire. I will share with you when we get to know each other a little better!
I took our eldest daughter to dance class tonight and was sitting and watching whilst speaking with one of the other mothers. The conversation took the direction that I try to avoid but sometimes it just happens. I am going to walk you all through a little of my spiritual journey thus far. The home I was raised in was a good home, but we did not attend church regularly. My parents sent my brother and I to VBS when we were kids and on occasion, I would tag along with friends, but that was really my only exposure - except for my grandmother - MomMom. She was a wonderful woman who went to be the Lord on November 14 - 2000. She was a very faithful woman even though she didn't attend church - see she didn't drive. Her relationship to God was so profound and real to me because it was just that - HERS. She knew that God loved her no matter whether she attended church or not, and even though she didn't, her faith and her relationship with the Almighty is one of the strongest I have seen to date. She never waivered - read her Bible everyday, and shared with whoever would listen - in a kind caring way - not the pushy, hipocrytical way.
When I met my ex husband (whom I met while working at a nursing home when I was 16) those I worked with warned me that my "church life" would have to change if I ever hoped to be "accepted" by his family. I wanted that all my life - a church life. When I started dating him, I saw why - we were required by his parents to attend church on Wednesday evenings for Bible Study and two church services on Sunday - NO EXCEPTIONS! I loved it - most days! It was after meeting him and his family that I was really exposed to Christ - and became Saved (for the second time - I first accepted Christ as my saviour as a 12 year old). I redidicated myself at 18 and was Baptised on Easter Sunday that year. It was a really good time in my life. I married him 3 and a half years later. The day we got married, he stopped going to church. I wondered for a long time what happened to this "strong Christian man" that I had married, and than through the years, I came to realize that he wasn't a Christian at all!
Then in the time we were separated, my walk with Christ was at it's strongest. I found my own little church that I attended, just my daughter and me and I was happy there. We had separated after his 3rd affair. So I was a single Mom and the church I found was my family. I sat with the Pastor at one point because my husband and I had decided to reconcile, and I didn't know how I felt about it. I prayed and asked God to help me to trust him again, and the pastor reminded me that I needed to set some ground rules - but I didn't. 6 months later, I was in the same boat - pregnant with my second child and finding out again that he had strayed. I asked him to move out, he obliged and I had my son with my mother by my side and his father in the waiting room. I struggled for months about whether or not to file for divorce and had multiple meetings with my pastor, who of course couldn't advise that I file, but said to remember that I answer to an audience of One - the One. I prayed long and hard, and I made the decision to file for divorce. It was in the weeks that followed that I met my husband.
To try and make a long story short, I met my husband and we talked for weeks before we agreed to go on a date. We soon found great comfort in each other and within a few months, he moved into our home. He became Daddy for kids who didn't really spend much time with their biological father. We agreed fairly quickly that it was "right" - being older I guess we both knew more quickly that we did when we were 18 - and decided that we would marry. Than we found out we were expecting a baby. I know it's not the best way to do things, a little backward we both agreed, but we decided to move up the wedding date to be sure we were united before the baby arrived.
In hence lies my struggle. I love my God, but does not following what I know to be right make me a "bad christian". I know that the Bible says that I should not live with a man, or bear a child to a man whom I am not married too. I had my discussions with God about it, but I still question myself. I know God, and I have accepted Him as my saviour - am i now unfaithful because I have sinned. Is it made right now that we are married and are happy, and living the "right" way and I have repented. I guess I am my own worst enemy - I guess what I am saying is I wish I were a better Christian.
I know that is a heavy load for tonight, so I am gonna go ponder and pray a little. Have a meeting with my maker. I know he forgives me long before I forgive myself. I appreciate any thoughts anyone out there may have - and give it to me straight - I can handle it. God Bless all of you walk the life I wish I did. Thank you for praying.
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